I admit that I am a dreamer. Throughout my lonely and miserable life, my strength to survive was my childhood, which was fun until my mother got sick and died. And the powerful mechanism of my mind was my imagination and the ability to control my dreams. I could control my dreams often awake as well as asleep to some degree. All my life I live for tomorrow but tomorrow never came as they say.
I wanted to be a musical artist, professional athlete and even at one time a gangster, did I have dreams. As an amateur I tried my hand at it all, chasing after money, sex and power. Just to find out that I was chasing after dreams.
I looked at television and listened to the radio and even read newspapers and magazines, studying the world of the rich and famous. I thought wow, perhaps since I am very intelligent I will be able to go through the process of becoming one of them. However I was always a rebellious person. I saw people who had the image of rebellion and thought we were alike. I wanted to be outspoken powerful and rich. Does such like this; black people and all truly exist?
I came to realize I was chasing after a dream. But I realize in this terrible world we live in, God may have blessed me with the ultimate survival gear. Sure I accomplished very little in life and have little to show for my miserable stay on earth, but today I am still here. I do not have much to look forward to. What can life offer a man of my aged? As I am not old but far not young at all, but so tired; with nothing to live for and no reason to die, no reason to laugh to apathetic to cry.
So I concluded the aging process has a purpose and so do chasing dreams. I may well grow to be old because I took the safe lane of finding satisfaction in waiting on tomorrow, though it never came and now what difference will it make? But then comes a connection to this higher power, I call God.
I realize the greatest power a child has is the power of imagination. For many often this power is lost due to the realities life presents to us. But I had not children so in my heart I remained a child at heart. Not playful or immature but simply a dreamer. A dream never realized that I have outgrown in purpose, but then comes a connection to this higher power, I call God. So now I seek him! Will this be another dream whereby there really is no after life? But I may well never live to tell or find out if this is the ultimate dream.
Is God reality or fantasy, I do not know, but I am forced to find out. I do know that chasing after material fantasy caused me to lead a miserable life of hardships and lonely days. All for a reward that is too an illusion, for rebellious, rich and black means death in this white man’s world? For all the money is his! So in my transition into my golden years I again prepare to dream. From a child of the worldly dreams to the spiritual I transition, but still I dream.